Off The Main Road

I’m finally doing something with all of these Stephen King books my mom left me. A blog about reading all of the books Stephen King has written.

OFF THE MAIN ROAD

If this is your first visit you should probably start here. If not, thanks for coming back.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but Carrie White eats s**t.”

Backstory:
I’ve never read Carrie and mom didn’t have a copy of it. I cant remember if she read it but never bought it or if she loaned it out and never got it back but I do remember her saying it was “ok”. I never saw the movie they made in 1976. Or the TV movie they made in 2002. Or the remake they did in 2013. All I knew going in was that Sissy Spacek was a prom queen and she got covered in blood. Also, for the record; Spoiler Alert. If you are like me and have somehow never experienced anything Carrie related over the last 45 years then be warned - Beans will be spilled.

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“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but Carrie White eats shit.”
- Unknown 

Have you ever seen First Blood? And don’t call it Rambo I or Rambo: First Blood, because it’s not called that. It’s called First. Blood. But without the extra period. That was mine. For emphasis.

Carrie the book is totally First Blood the movie and Carrie the girl is totally John J. Rambo. Both stories are about someone who got pushed to their mental limits by a bunch of small minded doofuses who didn’t know who they were f**king with and both stories end up with gas stations getting blow to smithereens. I’m not saying either story necessarily has a moral to them but they both kind of do and that moral kind of is Everybody. Needs. To. Settle. The. F**k. Down.

Timely, I know. 

In First Blood, Rambo wandered into a small town looking for some breakfast and got turned out on his ear. Mostly, he was just running up against the standard judgments and prejudices that grown-ups look away from on a daily basis; Being labeled a hobo or a hippie and written off as sub-normal. And probably he would have looked away too except that instead of thinking those things and ignoring him the town sheriff (Will Teasle) decided to drive him to the edge of town and tell him to hit bricks. Rambo wasn’t having that so he heel turned right back toward town limits and a heaping helping of whatever Rambo eats for breakfast. Judging from his body fat ratios probably one cup of oats with berries and flax seeds, an egg white and spinach omelette cooked in ghee, plus a fresh fruit smoothie. Then he got arrested instead. Still, he kept it relatively cool for a guy with low blood sugar until things got weird down at the station. Piss poor choices were made by piss poor deputies. Some involved fire hoses and dry razor shaves. Noses were broken, maybe an arm too and Rambo left on a stolen enduro motorbike. From there it was just a fast track to an army truck smashing through a two car roadblock.

Carrie is the exact same except she is in high school and she gets ragged forever for the time she prayed on her knees before school lunch. She sucks at sports and she has pimples on her shoulders so of course she’s been the heel for most of her school career. There are some twists and turns but eventually she gets a couple of buckets full of pigs blood dumped on her head. From there it’s just a fast track to an entire high school graduating class getting locked in a gymnasium and burned alive. Well not ALL of them were burned alive. Some of them had already been electrocuted before the fire started. 

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“Hardly anybody ever finds out that their actions really, actually, hurt other people!”
- Sue Snell

Both stories have bullies who say “Hey, maybe what we’re doing sucks. Maybe we should suck less?” Deputy Mitch is that guy in First Blood. Mitch warns Rambo that this other Deputy (Art Galt) was not to be f**ked with. Little did Mitch know Rambo was more so the one to not be f**ked with. Even though Mitch tried to lessen the levels of f**ked with-idness he still wound up catching a stick full of punji spikes with his upper thighs. 

Like Mitch, Sue Snell is the one who says, “Maybe we should suck less?” Unlike Mitch she actually comes up with a plan to make amends for the sucky things she was a part of. Except that her plan is stupid and sucks almost as much as the sucky things she was trying to amend. Instead of making it right by saying, “Hey Carrie, my bad. I’m sorry I didn’t suck less.” Or instead of just being decent to Carrie, she comes up with this lame ass plan where her boyfriend takes Carrie to prom while Sue sits home and watches the late movie or something. Not only does the plan not involve her putting up any real effort or apology it also basically implies that Carrie should just be different. Sue doesn’t make room for who Carrie is as a person, she just basically tells her she’d be better if she was popular and a prom queen. Exactly like Sue. Also, besides being a lazy and insensitive solution it also perfectly sets Carrie up for the blood bucket dump that tips her over the edge. So that sucks too.

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“THIS ISN'T OVER, THIS ISN'T OVER BY A LONG SHOT!”
- Chris HARGENSeN 

The swirly tip of the dog pile mob of shitty people that drive Carrie to burn an entire town to the ground is the combo of Chris Hargensen and Billy. Chris Hargensen is the kind of girl that firecrackers some toes off another girls foot just because that other girl has a hairlip. Billy is the kind of guy that slaughters random farm pigs just to fill up some buckets of blood. He’s the kind of guy who prefers hitting dogs in his car while eating popcorn over having sex in his car without popcorn. I thought the way Deputy Galt laughed while he firehosed Rambo’s buttocks was gross and borderline sociopath. But he’s got nothing on Billy’s insanity.

Chris and Billy are classic King skeezes and they completely suck. They’re as close to deserving everything they get as any characters in the book. Even though it’s unclear if getting thrown in a car through a Roadhouse wall is what kills them or if they burned up in the resulting fire.

“I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice.”
- Dalton

Speaking of Roadhouse, have you seen the movie Roadhouse? If not I highly recommend you stop reading this and go check it out right now. It’s got throat ripping a Karate Barn AND a Bigfoot cameo! The monster truck, not the mythical beast.


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“God didn’t make Rambo... I made him”
- Colonel Sam Trautman 

People who hurt are hurt people… isn’t that a saying? The biggest thing Rambo and Carrie have in common is that they were made. Colonel Trautman made Rambo into the best killing machine that ever killed. Then when Rambo had killed all the people that needed killing Trautman left him in a basket on the doorstep of society’s local fire station. Without even so much as a note. 

Carries mom does that same thing. She’s so super religious that she doesn’t even think that marriage is enough to forgive the sin of sexy time relations. So, of course, she never forgives herself for the one time she had the sexy time relations which, of course, resulted in her getting pregnant. Then, like most every parent ever she makes it her lifetime goal to prevent Carrie from ever making the same mistakes she did. And exactly how do you teach a child to value their body above the urges of someone else? – To set healthy limits on when they feel like it’s an appropriate time to explore some quality pants down time? Whatever your answer is it’s not what Carrie’s mom did. Because Carrie’s mom locked Carrie in a closet for days at a time without food or a decent place to go potty. To help Carrie repent and focus on praying. So in trying to build the ultimate praying machine she actually built another Rambo machine. A Rambo machine with telekinetic powers.  

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Like everyone else Carrie and Rambo were born hollow, then filled up with someone else’s bulls**t and given identities they never wanted. This pretty much happens to us all and usually its not that big of a deal but if its Colonel Trautman and Mrs White filling you up then you’re just in for a hard road. In the end, Rambo and Carrie just wanted to dump out those identities and fill themselves up again – Something we all usually do with only slight difficulties. The process of spilling out for these two was messier than usual and some legal and moral lines were crossed. Rambo finally relented to the Colonel and handed over his giant survival knife, accepting responsibility for himself moving forward. Carrie kind of did that too but in the way that she was stabbed by a giant butcher knife. By her mom. Also, it was the knife that was used to cut her umbilical chord when she was born. Also, right after she got stabbed she used her mind powers to stop her moms heart. After that she used those mind powers to make Sue Snell experience death with her via some kind of psychic meld. It was the closest Carrie could come to forgiveness. Though it was traumatic and it messed Sue up for the rest of her life. Also, Sue might have been pregnant and Carrie may or may not have caused her to miscarry. 

There’s other stuff in there too and you should totally read it. If you like the book or movie Christine there are some parts of Carrie that feel like they were born out of Carrie. Almost as if the events in this story somehow spilled over into another haunting, another car and continue on to another bullied high schooler who goes too far - With fire. Also if you like Misery, Mrs. White seems a lot like whatever her name is that was played by the actress in that movie. I can’t remember right now and I don’t feel like looking it up.